Also: When?
Today in the news i am going to attempt to reach back far into the hole of two thousand and... SIX
and grab as many 'rather odd 'Today in the news' as i can find. You can check out the earlier version in the 'Today in the news section'.
Lets begin.
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In the news today a mammoth sized mammoth did a marathon and won a toy mammoth, the size of a giant mammoth.
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In the news today people are still trying to find out, who exactly invented the chinese. This question came abouts when people started realising everything had been made in china.
The Crumb has researched into this and found that the fortune cookie was actually an American creation. This leads to the fact China was built by the US.
But the US are pretty dumb in themselves, they were invented by the British who are smelly and made of pollution.
So the end result is, Australia invented the world.
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In the news today, mobile phones are said to be sucking your brain out of your ear, more on that later.
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Bortle Berry Bortacus Blout Bear your Bottom so we can all shout!
In the news today Bortle Berry Bortacus Blout was arrested for public nudity.
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In the news today a camera swallowed a man whole when he pressed the ‘Eat me’ button?
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In the news today toilet roll is necassary when you use the loo for a number 2, people are wondering if there is such thing as a 2.5 or possibly a 3 because they think they've done it and they are surprisingly discusted and wonderous at the same time.
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In the news today thousands of people have bought pens with their own names on them. People have started to complain that they cant pronounce them.
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In the news today someone placed a glass of water on top of a ladder and tried to balance it whilst holding it over his head. May he rest in peace.
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Today in the news four MILLION is a big number. Protesters say, "Maybe, its just TOO big."
This argument begun a few years ago, it then faded away so it was lesser known. Until a maths teacher was brutally murdered in Manchester, UK. The protesters believe it was the number four million that murdered the man. The police believe it was the protesters. The media believe it was Madeleine's mother.
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Today in the news, "Warning, don't quote this."
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Today in the news
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Today in the news 2 wise men realized one was missing.
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Today in the news chocolate is best when its bitey
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Today in the news listen to the symphony of crackle.
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Today in the news people sited a horse with lumps on its back. Vets are examining it now.
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In the news today a puppet theatre burnt down when a puppet CAME ALIVE.. and scared his owner who held a candle.
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In the news today a man with a spade saw an alien sighting. The man with a spade complained that the news team interviewing him said 'spade' when he "claimed" he was holding a shovel not a spade like he was really holding.
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In the news today a man posed for a photo, he hasent been seen since.
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Today in the news i man went bullet time.
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In the news today Scientists at the head of the UK have classed Oxygen as an illegal drug and are beginning to get rid of it.
Just in! The Scientists are dead, along with the rest of earths population.
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Today in the news America have created a Video burning day, where everyone in the country throws their videos into a town bonfire. This is saying, "We look forward to the future." (Meaning DVD's)
People are worried Video burning day wont last many years as they will have burnt all of the video's.
It has been sorted thousands more Video's are being made and sold just for this day, bringing some big companies back into buisness.
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In the news today a bald man called himself a lier. More on that later.
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Today in the news someone very important said "quack" in a conference.
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Today in the news a tree dressed itself, it was then burnt for giving people bad luck.
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Today in the news a man with a stick conducted an orchestra. The stick has been confiscated.
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Today in the news a man woke up to find his face had been molded into a teapot
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Today in the news
Beans beans
they make you smoke
the more you eat
the more you choke
Samurai man
on his way
hopping along
to save the day
grease monster
he loves chips
but sauce man comes
and grease man dips
Pie man comes
eating meat
little bit of ale
on his feet
Dribbling ghoul
Wet grass
dribbles on you
Get a flask
Fat bat
cant fly
his fangs
you die
Space dragon
swoops around
Satellite falls
hits the ground
Mr Figg
step outside
A train Mr Figg
We're all gonna die
Mr Figg
step outside
A plane Mr. Figg
We're all gonna die
Old woman
Mrs. Monk
Got in the pool
She just sunk
What a fool
Painted bull
All those fumes
Melts my shoe
Meteorite
Turn and spin
Space dragon
dosent do anything
Boar in bed
Vomit in bowl
Rotten head
A broken soul
Italian man
makes nice pasta
Bought a van
serves it faster
Italian man
makes nice pizza
lost his touch
went to master
Master was gone
Seagull dead
Man went home
put it in bread
Germ creature
leaks around
Morbid creature
Kills the ground
Skin peals off
as it roam
flesh so soft
a bit like foam
Master stabbed a cat
with a sandal
he then sat
lit a candle
Italian man on Figg's foot
"I keep dieing"
"And i cant cook."
"Well listen here you nasty three."
"You're so small you are a flee"
Samurai man
enters the room
Doors swing open
loud boom.
"I have one leg, this is why i hop."
"Oh shut up, you just stop."
"Master please help us."
"AND YOU STOP MAKING A FUSS"
Mr Figg
step outside
A space dragon
We're all gonna die
"A wounded wing on a space machine"
"Human built?"
"Why are you helping him?"
King Kong enters with an ice cream
Pie man attacks
Is this all just a dream?
Dribbling ghoul and Fat bat
All sat
Oh drat, killed the cat
"You leave now you killed my cat!"
"But master we only just sat."
Germ creature bites some beans
begins to smoke, dancing to folk
continues to choke until
Walls cave in, roof falls down
Water crashing through
Fat bat drowns
Samurai crushed
by a big rock
Germ creature suffocated
by a sock.
Master dies a heroes death
head chopped off, his final breath
Dragon crushed
by brick and stone
Italian man collapsed
just like Rome
Mr Figg rides on the painted bull
Old woman dead you know
Boar in bed
Boar is dead
Bull dies
Figg crys
Aeroplane is landing
Figgs the last one standing
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Today in the news Mr. Meadowgrave the gardener found a dead body in my backyard.
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Today in the news someone hidden in crops rode a mosquito aeroplane.
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Today in the news a mime was arrested for finger painting.
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Today in the news Tony Blair has been arrested for illegally feeding a pigeon
to a wild lion.
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Today in the news a bus stop decided to take the bus itself, three people were crushed to death.
Thats all i could bothered to write. Read the Daily Crumb... in the past to find more!
- The Daily Crumb
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