Saturday, March 21, 2009

Today in the news it's over and out but rarely here and there.

It has been reported that digital clocks look funny when they are upside down.
We had a storm today here at The Daily Crumb. It came as a slight surprise to us as the television weather man told us there would be a fantastic glow of sunshine and warmth. Then the wind blew away the clothes line and hail ripped through our windows.
So tommorow we predict it is going to rain blood.

So Goobus has left now, went off to do some rainboarding. Basically he is waving through the wind and is hoping for it to swerve him back to his family.
I would have tried it but i dont know how.

Sammy the monkey sent me an email today. Email is not as classy as classic mail.
From: Title: Catch up hewwo Nathan! It has been a wong time since we wast spoke. Just wetting you know that my buisness has finawwy wifted off and i am eawning mowe than a marble in a sand pit. So how is the Daiwy Cwumb going? I have not wead it watewy. Awe you stiww doing it? Dont know anyone that weads it but keep up the good wowking. What awe you eawning now? nothing? Teww you what, i'm paying mysewf mowe than you evew paid me and i dont even undewstand mysewf! - Sammy the monkey

I said. what.

He seemed like quite an intellwigent monkey. It seems useless, i am sitting in a torn down cabin in the middle of a now cold desert writing the news.
Which, if you really want to know, has come SECOND HAND.
Yeah thats right, i get all of the news off of Yahoo. In the old days it was all real, the good stuff. I used to have the reporters, the journalists. We'd all work hard to get the truth out of people. But after the two time riots against our buildings and the deaths of employees i am earning nothing. Just writing this with no one else. Then Sennheiser was was shot in the stomach, then the gunshot hole was replaced with a wall clock, then he died. So he's gone. No one else.

Hold on there is a creaking sound.
Looks like it could be the fan
i should go fix kotg'ssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa''''''''''''''''''''''''

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Cut Silver Screen and Snow Day

Today in the news orange balloon.
Also in the news
A collection of trees stood up and walked out on earth today when they found out how we were treating their relatives.
With ties, suitcases and top hats they stepped off of the planet with long roots and floated away in circular motions.
It was reported the trees stepped into the sun.
Well today was a snow day in England. Although there was no snow people were delighted to feel a bit of heat and sunlight on their skin.
On days like these i think back to all those who have died due to the Curse of The Daily Crumb. We cannot remember their names but we all still hold that minute of silence.
It is very important.
I am sure not many of you know about the minute of silence. Or at least, WHY we do it. Well the reason is we just hope we'll hear a spirits voice in the silence saying "Thankyou for this minute of silence."

Man lost his face in coin slot vending machine accident including comfortable beanie with wings.
The same man later that day realized he was unable to eat dinner.

Also. Complicated speech

Silver Screen Cut Scene

Here is a scene/scenes from a 'never released' episode from The Silver Screen Series.
info: Filmed a while ago, in light of a fifth episode. Though plans disapeared as the rain fell and i left the village. Hopefully this failure will bring a fresh look for a new Silver Screen series.

- Stranger/ Strangler/ Stalker/ Tourist

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Change the life of an ugly fictional character for Comic Relief

Today in the news, ladders used in exaggerated sword fight.
Walkers find stange shoes on the end of their legs
and glass goes plastic.
All in
The Daily Crumb Today.

Have you ever wondered why i began writing have you ever wondered? It just seems like a good way to continue on after the main news.
There was a slight loss in people on planet earth today as 80% of them were wiped out by a rolling blue whale.
"They're not THAT big!"
"They are not THAT big!"
So it could not have been a blue whale?
"Never mind."
That is my best buddy Goobus, he just came over to borrow a cassette tape. He is afraid of elephants.


As well as a large amount of people no longer living a giant chicken has agreed to do an interview as long as his identity is kept hidden.
"So what do you think of all this crazy stuff with the Whale?"
"I only came for a tape, i did not agree to be a giant chicken in your paper."
"Just get the suit on!"
"My beak is stuck! You put it on if it is so easy."
"No, i am the interviewer."
"Right, i think i'm in."
"Where is your face?"
"The suit is too big, i've sunk!"
"Well get up then."
"No, i am stuck! let me out! I can't breath!"
"I thought you liked small spaces."
"I am claustrophobic!!"
"Typical. Here, grab the rope."
"I can't see the rope, i can't see anything!"
"Can you see the light?"
"A very small glimpse really far away."
"Ok, i am just going to roll you out the front door so i can get on with the news."
"Ok... wait.. what??"


The Daily Crumb should make a religion. That spaghetti monster made one, now everyone worships him. He called me the other week on Skype.
"I am just hovering down town and people are trying to grab my pasta. I've recently been dragging people along the street by their mouthes."

That guy is one of a few characters that has had their life CHANGED by the power of Comic Relief.
So if you feel like chicken tonight please text YES to 66609 to donate £5.00 to Comic Relief.

You could change the life of another really ugly fictional character.

EXTRA EXTRA! Read all about it!
Did you just realise you are getting this newspaper for FREE?

Did you also just realise you have been spammed this newspaper through email??
Well without getting angry at us at The Daily Crumb think first. You have obviously got the article because you are special.

Pay for reading the Daily Crumb by
giving me money.
Become a special member for only 1£. With this special membership you get to read what is below.

sandwich break


You know, it is such a great cause. Have you seen snoopy recently?

With your money lil old snoopy right there will be well again. He just has not been the same since Charles M Schulz died.

- The Daily Crumb

Monday, March 09, 2009

Today in the news officers at a jail found many guns and knives when they emptied the shoes of a clown inmate.
The clown said, "I thought they'd leave my shoes alone with them being such icons for me as a clown."
The clown later escaped the jail when officers failed to search his big red nose.
Officer Blinglet said: "I thought it rude to pull off a part of his clown image. The shoes were enough, but his nose?? I am not that insanely thoughtless."

Officer Blinglet was given a 'Badge of Freedom' award and ceremony. It is believed the clown may have attended.
Rumour is he is no longer dressed as a clown so he will be much harder to track down. Officer Blinglet had this to say, "With a new face i think he should be given a chance on the streets until his new identity crosses the line."

Oh there you are, sit down and shut up. Do you know how much effort i put into making these lunches Justin? Too much!

The clown was apparently gunned down.


"I dont like it, my arms stick to the tables. There is visible smoke at shoulder height."
"This is the place man. Everyone comes here."
"It is gloomy and everyone looks like they're going to hit you."
"These are THE people. The best people. Yo!"
"Dont, they'll get angry."
"No, look he just waved."
"And fell off his chair. Obviously drunk."
"Well, thats why we're here."
"To fall off our chairs?"
"No, to get drunk."
"Where is my gun?"
"Where did you last have it?"
"In that theatre where i shot Russel Brand in the head."
"You probably left it there then."
"Yeah probably. Lucky though, you were going to be next."
"I sure am."

Friday, March 06, 2009

What it says on the tin.

This month in the news
Bea sting turns human child into a Heinz Classic Cream of Tomato Soup. The original and best.
Our famous, much loved is made to our own special recipe... packed with tomatoes to create a delicious soup that's bursting with flavour...

Incredients: Acid

Please enjoy the amazing taste of Heinz Classic Cream of Tomato Soup. Slices of tasty tomato dipped lightly in some rich whipped cream.
Mixed up with the finest of wooden spoons and poured into marble pots.

All fresh tins of soup are crushed by dancing low paid workers with wonderful, astonishing tunes in their heads.

Try the new Heinz Whipped Cream and Tomato slices today.
Because you're worth it.

Little Howard's BIG Question

Yep, i went to London, Shepherds Bush and worked on the telly show, Little Howard's BIG Question.
I have not got any photos. Although i do, they are just inaccessible. So i lied.
I met some fantastic people!

and two taxi drivers.
I'd never met so many people in one week... and then 2 weeks.

My work is occasionally on BBC1 Little Howard on thursdays. Check it out. You will not know which bits i have done but...
i did the advert in this one...
and put your