Monday, June 30, 2008

Steam and Sponge

A long winding train station. Only dust in the wind. A ghost station.

French Mr. Hands had arrived at midnight last night asking for somewhere to stay. I thought that was great, an old friend.
Then he told me his story, "You left me on The Iceing Boss' space ship. It is a cosy ship, i must admit. Everything was just fine, the big bacon creature was easy to look after. But soon he realised i was using slices of bacon from his skin for my nights dinner.
Well, the only human food the ship had was baked beans. I got bored of them in two days like you do so found myself desperate.
The bacon was not very fresh but im sure i wont die. The reason The Iceing Boss was so angry was because id taken so many bits of bacon from him he'd become tiny.
He was a midget piece of pig slices.
Well i just threw him down the toilet and flushed it, i was the more powerful being now and he was just bits of meat."
"Then what is the problem?" I asked.
"Well i directed the ship towards this building, towards Penny Lane to show you my ship. But then a black hole appeared and i was sucked back to Earth. Now i'm here to tell you the ship is flying towards this very spot with no pilot.
We need to get as far from here as we possibly can."

A long winding train station. Only dust in the wind. A ghost station.
French Mr. Hands and I were sat on a red metal bench waiting for the train to appear. It soon did slowly moving along the track.
It stopped finally and a door swung open on one of the long cabins. "I'm Professor Steam! Welcome to my train."

We were sat inside a cabin, we were given plates of something that looked like Henua Glex Sponge.
Steam was standing in front of the seats clicking his fingers. He then spun on one foot and began to dance.
"This is very entertaining," said French Mr. Hands.
"Dont you think it odd we are the only people on the train?" I asked him.
"No, i dont. Now enjoy the dance."

The train was moving at last, the smoke flying past the window, the train station moving away. Steam had left to be the driver apparently.
"I have never had such delicious Henua Glex Sponge Nathan."
"Thats lovely French."
I was bored and got up from my seat, steadily walking along the cabin. Just as i came to the door Steam opened it with a frown. "Sorry, no going past here. It is forbidden. If you do..." He pulled out a shotgun. "This is what happens."
"Why, what is in there?" i asked.
"The iceing on the cake."
"Whos birthday is it?"
"Your friend, French Mr. Hands."
When Mr. Hands heard his name he jumped up and ran to where they were, "I forgot it was my birthday! Thankyou Nathan for remembering!"
He hugged me, "But i didnt... Professor Steam knew already."
"Oh... how?"
Professor Steam was gone.
I turned to French Mr. Hands, "He said this room was forbidden."
"More reason to go inside." He smiled and pushed open the door.
There in front of him was a giant tank, full of bubbling liquid. Also, inside was the floating body of The Iceing Boss, a bundle of squashed together bacon slices.
"Oh my god." French Mr. Hands said.

"I told you not to enter," Steam appeared behind us with his shotgun to French Mr. Hands' back. "The Iceing Boss told me it was your birthday, French. The perfect day for you too be murdered."
He loaded the gun.
"Hold on."
A gloomy voice came from the tank. "Let me do it."
"You're too weak Boss." Steam replied.
"Drop him in the tank."
"DO IT!"
"Yes master!"
Steam pushed the gun further into French's back. "In the tank, now!" French put his hands up and walked slowly towards the tank.

Suddenly there was a huge rumble, the earth shook. I glared out of the window to watch a giant explosion ripping open the sky in the distance.
The ship had crashed, he could see the trees collapsing like a mexican wave and getting closer to where he stood.
A louder shake of earth and the cabin flipped onto its side falling off of the track. I imagined the whole train toppling over as i flew into a table splashing the Henua Glex into the air. The side windows smashed as they hit the grass ground.

When it all quietened down i pulled myself up, arm bleeding. I took some small pieces of glass out of my skin and then made my way towards the side ways doorway.
Inside was a steamy mist but i could clearly see what had happened. The giant tank had slid sideways and hit French Mr. Hands on its way down.
Once pushing him down the floor it crashed into the wall exploding into glass, 80% of the glass into French Mr. Hands.
The soggy dribbling, bacon body of The Iceing Boss was laying on the wooden side breathing heavy.
Professor Steam got up, ear bleeding and moved fast to hold The Iceing Boss. "It's going to be fine Iceing, its going to...."
The Iceing Boss's pig-splat body exploded in seconds firing rotten bacon bits across the cabin walls.
Grease drooped from Steams face along with some tears.
RIP my old friend and second father, French Mr. Hands.

So the eruption of earth was the ship falling and crashing on top of Penny Lane. In the end French had saved me from dieing, but died in the process.

I'm going on another holiday now. And im going to be a long time.
I'm taking a trip to Perth Australia.
Hopefully no one around me will be haunted with death. It must be a fact now, anyone who is involved with The Daily Crumb, will die.
Sennheiser will be greatly missed, as well as Vector (Before he was a Gwerm) and the great French Mr. Hands.

- The Daily Crumb

Ink, Gwerms and Torvec

Ink, Gwerms and Torvec

Some people have heard of the dark Gwerms in the woods.
Today in the news something rare and extraordinary occured.
Halt called up in the middle of the night asking for Sennheiser. (Halt, being Sennheisers ex wife, who he met down a mine shaft.)
She told him she had won some tickets to a camping trip with a group called Torvec C.S. She wondered if we'd like to go along.
We went down there in the afternoon, at the exact time she said to meet her there. But she made no appearence.
Soon enough the Torvec group appeared and surrounded Sennheiser and I.
"Good morning! You must be the prize winners!" The tallest man, smart green scout uniform and huge backpack.
I responded, "Well actually, we were meant to meet my friend heres ex wife. Halt?"
"Oh..." The man fell silent. "I am sorry, but Mistress Halt passed away last night."
I could sense depression from Sennheiser.
The main scout began setting up a tent, he pointed to the others to begin setting up theirs. I looked towards the campfire, just still white sticks.
"May i ask how she died?," asked Sennheiser.
The man looked up, "She was swallowed by a Gwerm." I was shocked at the mans response.
"Are you saying there are Gwerms HERE?"
Sennheiser looked at me, "What are Gwerms?"
"Glowing, worms that bleed from the eyes. Apparently they slurp the skin until it rips away. Like a vacuum cleaner." I told him stories of my childhood.
"Vacuum cleaners can do that?"
"...then they keep sucking until it is your bones and then there is nothing left."
"They did that to Halt?"
I nodded at Sennheiser and then began to set up my tent.
Whilst setting up Sennheiser paused, "They must have came for her straight after she called me."
"Yes Sennheiser... she must have."

Later on we all ended up sitting around the camp fire.
The head scout spoke, "So how are you likeing the place so far?"
"Listen, i heard Halt phoned you last night." He burst in while i was speaking. Sennheiser spoke now. "Well yes she did."
"... did she mention us? Our name?"
"Yes, Torvec."
There was silence apart from the crackling of the fire.

They passed us some pots of black ink. "What are these?" I asked.
A smaller scout responded, "Hiking Inks, created to sooth you. Helps you sleep calmly. Good for camping, newcomers are always scared of the sounds. The sounds of the night."
Sennheiser laughed, "I can believe that." He then sipped his Hiking Ink.

I remember exactly what happened next. It was 7:00 and i was having trouble falling asleep. The Hiking Ink i was given i accidently spilt, so replaced it with coke so I didn't seem rude.
Then i heard the rustle in the night, through the tent texture i could see the bright light of fire getting closer.
I ran out wondering what it was.
The Torvec gang were standing in half a circle around our tents with flaming planks of wood in their hands.
"GUH! The Hiking Ink did not work on him??"
I answered trying to keep my polite status. "No, it was just.... these things dont work so well on me."
"I suppose he has worked us out then."
"Worked.... you out?" i was confused.
"Torvec............. what is that backwards Nathan?"
"Erh... Cev Rot?"
There was some mumbling, "Why didnt we call ourselves that??"
"NO!" The head scout shocked me. "Torvec is an anagram of your GREATEST ENEMY!"
"Sennheiser?... Goobus?"
"NO! VECTOR!!!!"
"No.... Vector was my best friend. He died, and then returned because he got crushed by a box. Oh my god.... i know who you are."
"You are The Vector Gang."
"I thought he would put a comedy line in there. But we were lucky."
"You are out to kill me... because when Vector died, he was on my property."
"Not just us. You see, some time ago Vector was eaten."
"By what?"
"A Gwerm. A giant, fat Gwerm swallowed our great and brainy master. Instead of crushing Vectors body into pieces Vectors brain took over the Gwerms insides. He BECAME the Gwerm."
There was a rustle in the bushes.
I was literally scared and ran to wake up Sennheiser. I shook him but he would not answer.
"He's dead isnt he." I said in a saddened voice.
"No... we were about to collect him... the Hiking Ink made him dizzy and weak and now we are going to feed him to the Gwerms."
"NO!!!!! My friendship bell is broken, i will never gain another pal." Heroic and depressed scream of mine.
"That dosent matter, you're going to be crushed as well."

The Gwerm emerged from the trees.
One stood out the most, it had a huge head glowing as it slid towards the Vector Gang. "It is him, we finally meet again." It was the Vector Gwerm.
I shouted, "Listen Vector, it was your fault i asked you to carry a box that was too heavy for you so you got crushed. You lived didnt you?"
"Yes. But, i still hate you."
"Then this story is worth nothing."
"I dont care." Vector Gwerms voice was deap and echoey. Dribble dropped from his long mouth. He continued, "Halt was working for us, we found a connection to you Nathan and went for it. She was oh so happy to help us but then we killed her because she didnt put her clothes in the washing backet."

The Vector Gang were dragging Sennheisers body along the ground towards one of the giant Gwerms. I felt a tear fall down my cheek as they threw Sennheisers body in with the teeth.
As Sennheiser slept the Gwerm sucked his flesh away, then his bones and insides. There were crumbs left, but nothing glass caseable. Or even pictureframeable.
This was the day Sennheiser died.

At the corner of my eye i saw a huge jar of Hiking Ink, i ran to grab it. Picked it up and threw it towards the Vector Gwerm. "I'm sorry old friend."
The liquid of the Ink splashed over the Vector Gwerms skin.
And his flesh bubbled, it became so slimey it drifted onto the other Gwerms and caused them to start bubbling.
In seconds every Gwerm exploded into thousands of slimey pieces, bones, blood and human body parts.
The Vector Gang knew their plan had failed and sprinted off into the distance. But one stayed behind, the head was holding a piece of drooping Gwerm. "I'll find a way for you to return. I promise. If it is the last thing i do."

So now i am at home and regretting writing my day in real story format because of the length. But that was my day, RIP Sennheiser, once again.
This time he wont be coming back. It is a very sad loss i know, but that is life, and life is crumbs.

I just got a phone call, it's French Mr. Hands! He's returning to Earth!

The end
- The Daily Crumb

Broadcast broken, Broadcast day before Broadcast

Sunday, June 29, 2008

French Mr. Hands and The Iceing Boss

French Mr. Hands and The Iceing Boss
Part of the Daily Crumb Oddstories collection

The TV was buzzing earlier, but we finally got it fixed. We hit it with a piece of the ceiling and the weather man appeared.
"Hello....Today in the news........." He paused.
Sennheiser was in the corner winding up his stomach clock.
The weather man had a finger to his ear, "It has just been confirmed. Today and for the rest of our lives it is going to be boiling hot."
I wondered for a moment why the weather man was crying. I also wondered why my fingers were blue.
"It was that cake you had earlier, the iceing boss," said Sennheiser still winding, a tick tick tick in the background.
HOLD ON! I ran to my library and pulled out a dusty book, placing it onto a wide polished desk.
Sennheiser followed me in complaining that id never told him about the room before. I threatened to kill him and he was a bit quieter.
The Iceing Boss! I said to him.
A mythic story involving a creature made of secondhand slices of bacon, rather fat and pig like. Because no one ever wanted to cook him he took revenge on planets by pushing boiling suns towards them.
Just as the populations of the planets cried their last tear he would talk to them on the loud speaker about his lonely childhood. How all the other slices got cooked, but he was just left to turn rotten.

"Is that one written by you?" Sennheiser asked.
No, it was given to me by an old friend. His name was French Mr. Hands. He used to read me the stories when i was an orphan.
"When were you an orphan? In the blubbet story you said you had a mother."
A time, a dark time.... literally.
French Mr. Hands was my mothers best buddy, he had told me about the Blubbets earlier on. But one day while she was cooking French Mr. Hands told me a black hole appeared in the kitchen.
He said he tried to rescue her but it was to late, my mother was pulled into the black pit of darkness.
"But the police found out he'd murdered her?"
No... they knew there was a high chance of black hole appearence in the area. So he took me in as his own son.
You know what Sennheiser...
I think he murdered her.
Sennheiser nodded.
None the less he moved on, he owns a tourist space ferry. He flies from planet to planet staring out to the many moons and stars.
Sennheiser hit the TV with the ceiling part again.
"It is confirmed, the sun is moving towards us, very fast. This, is the end of the world."
Sennheiser was shocked, "It's like you said Nathan! Like your book!"
What can a tiny newspaper writer like me do about the end of the world?
"What does it say at the end of the book? How did they defeat the Bacon Iceing Boss?"

I flicked through the pages of the book till i came across the last dusty page.
It says the planet was burnt away and the Iceing Boss' space ship crashed into it cooking him to death.
Just like he had always wanted.
"So it's a happy ending then." Sennheiser was obviously being sarcastic.

Hold on, the door knocked.
I opened it to see a very old friend, FRENCH MR. HANDS!!!!!
Sennheiser got the shotgun out behind me. What are you doing here French?
"Well i was watching you through the window and noticed you had heard of the problem with earth."
He held his arm out, the flesh was bubbling repeatedly. He didn't seem to mind.
French Mr. Hands wore a straw hat and a bow tie. He had a grey beard with thorns in it and some slippers (in the beard).
I did! It is the story of The Iceing Boss.
"You remembered your childhood books!"
Yes... now what can we do about it?
"Nothing, i just wanted to be with the only person i could say was family for the end of the world."
Oh... well ok. I'll make some hot chocolate.

Sennheiser picked the book up in discust, "You two! You are the only people on earth who know whats happening up there! You must be the only two who can stop it!"
French Mr. Hands laughed and then stopped laughing.
Sennheiser, theres nothing we can... i paused when i noticed a black dot growing behind him.
What is that?
"A black hole," French Mr. Hands replied. "RUN EVERYONE!"
As i turned i noticed at the corner of my eye the feet of Sennheiser being sucked into the hole. NOOOOOOOOO!!!
He was gone, and the black hole was growing.
French Mr. Hands and I closed the front door behind us. It was so hot, above us we could only see a bright, blinding white.
but soon it went dark when the black hole sucked us up. Like a black shade over something so bright. (obviously)

There, in front of me was The Iceing Boss. A thousand slices of rotten bacon stuck to make up a fat lump of creature.
"What are you doing on my ship?"
Well... the black hole, it sucked us up here.
"And why are you writing down every word i say on that laptop?"
I'm a journalist.
"Oh, ok."
I had the greatest man in the world to help me.... French Mr. Hands.
I pointed to the great man beside me.
"That's right Iceing Boss, i can look after you. Just like you are my own ugly son." French Mr. Hands said.
I was happy, then i saw The Iceing Boss was happy as well.

The ship was turned around and i was sent back home with Sennheiser, AND my mother.
So she was not murdered after all, and everything worked out just fine.
French Mr. Hands is doing what he does best, babysitting and The Iceing Boss has a father.

The sun was moved back into position and the world was saved.
Apparently clocks attract black holes so i sent a messege to the prime minister asking for all of them to be removed.
He didn't reply, he's no Tony Blair.

The Daily Crumb

Friday, June 27, 2008

A Chefs way of Death

A Chefs way of Death

Today in the news i want to tell you about an experience i had involving a mysterious killing i investigated.
See once, before i actually owned any such newspaper company i lived in a house. Nowadays i find it hard to believe, but it is true. There was a kitchen, a bedroom and even a room just for going to the toilet.
It was attached to some other houses, so i could always clearly hear the conversations. "Darling did you put the milk out today?"
"Who puts the milk 'out'? We only just got it in!"
"Darling it has been a year we've been married hasnt it?"
"Yes dear."
"And in all that time I HAVE HAD TO PUT THE MILK OUT!" I heard a loud crash whilst playing chess by myself and ran to the window.
Down, dead on the pebble road was the body of the woman that lived in that house.
Looking to the right i saw a broken window.
So i took it upon myself to become a detective.
I broke into the house to find the husband, but he was missing.
That was, until i found his legs in the oven. His top half was stabbed with a closeline and hung upside down in one of the cupboards.
Did the wife do this before she jumped out of the window? Did the husband push her out of the window and then do this?
Was our murderer a chef?

I continued, looking from clue to clue until i found a piece of hair. A cat sat on a chair near by staring at me. "Hello there cat. Were your mummy and daddy murdered?" The cat did not answer, cats do not speak often.
"Was the murderer a chef?" I asked
The cat said nothing.

At the police station i asked for some spare human legs to test on in an oven. I wanted to work out why exactly a murderer would do such a thing.
They arrested me
They thought me a threat to society and apparently i became a link in one of their investigations. The investigation, of the woman out of window and man in various places files.

They kick started my memory by sticking a lever off of a wind up toy into the side of my skull, they wound it up.
i could hear a tick tick tick in my head, and i could literally feel my memories returning to me.
"Darling did you put the milk out today?"
Boiling point
"Who puts the milk 'out'? We only just got it in!"
I remembered being sat, nose at the wall angery. Every day, EVERY DAY
"Darling it has been a year we've been married hasnt it?"
EVERY DAY IN A YEAR THEY HAD BEEN NOISY. I remembered that they had been shouting at eachother all night, but no, even in the morning they kept doing it. So i had had enough.
I grabbed a large knife from one of my drawyers and walked down the stairs, outside.
The door of the couples house was open already so i just strolled in.
Knife in one hand, anger, death on the mind i walked up their stairs towards the shouting.
"Yes dear."
"And in all that time I HAVE HAD TO PUT THE MILK OUT!"
"May i have your milk?"
A chubby man with a big white uniform and chef hat was standing in the kitchen beside them. "I am a chef you see, i could really do with some milk."
I remember my anger disapeared as i saw the chef. 'Whats he doing in their house?'
"Who is he?" The husband asked the wife.
The fat man was standing against the wall muffling any sound that came from this room.
"I am a chef, and i heard you dont want your milk."
"Ah yes! Well, ive never heard of chefs coming into the houses before but here you go."
the husband was shocked by his wife, Why are you giving him our milk??"
"Because this is the reason we put the milk 'out'. The chubby chefs walk along the street and pick them up, use them to bake you see."
"But WE paid for it???!!!"
"But THEY can cook."

I remembered suddenly the husband taking the knife from my hand and putting it towards his stomach. "If you give that milk to him i'm going to slice myself up like a chef did it."
The wife cried.
Her tears fell to the ground at a fast pace flooding the room. I noticed this soon and remembered the old stories of Goobus, the dark creature that trapped people in rooms for pleasure, watching them die. Whether it was burning or drowning.
I ran forward and pushed the woman, accidently she slipped in a puddle and fell backwards out of the window.
I stared out and she was dead, blood seeping from her body on the pebbles.
"Goobus could have killed you!" I shouted down to her.
But she was already gone.
The chef made a jolly laugh.
My head still out of the window, i noticed my head pop out of my house window glaring into my own eyes. But i didnt make any reactions, like i could not see me.
I popped my head back in and stared at the two men. "You two could have been in grave danger."

Nothing happened after that
i didnt remember any more.

But they got me for murder of course. I was sat in a jail cell for so many years, until i was released and started The Daily Crumb.
Now i know Goobus is true i know i REALLY DID save their lives that day. But they will never know.
Because they're all dead.

I do like, at the end of a murder to hang my victims up. You see, after getting the idea off of the husband i chopped the man up to pretend the chef had done it.
I only got arrested for the girls death, which they classed as an accident.
But the chef was arrested for life, for the death of the man. He died of fat poisoning later on.

The chef/milk buisness died away with him then. You'll never see a wife putting a bottle of milk out for the chefs anymore.
That closed down because of that day.

I thought before releasing this information, you know. Will the police track me down once and for all for killing the man?
Well no, because i live in the middle of no where. NO ONE WILL EVER FIND ME.

Yes Sennheiser?
no, our address is The Daily Crumb Studios, By Penny Lane, Fiction land, UK. Is that for the wall-e robot on amazon?
nice one mate.

- The Daily Crumb

RMN Copz episode 7

Today in the news a jellybite is a computer term.

Also, check out the short Stargazed story below this post.

Matthew Menhenick released his new episode. I star once again as the Crumb Monkey, that mic made my voice sound really deep :O

- The Daily Crumb

Dont forget to check out Sitcom Silence for the Silver Screen

Stargazed, The Golden Cube

To busy to play the game? Read a story!

Stargazed: The Golden Cube

Munch had his hand against the ice walls of the underground cove. "One singular step on the ground level will vibrate this ice slightly. I can feel it."
Stood around the boy were three men. Professor Bernard and two soldiers, Sergeant Clam Walker and Sergeant James Finally.
Clam was the nervous one, armed with a shot gun even a fly would be in danger. One creak, he'd swing to his side, fire and kill.
The Professor walked towards Munch. "Do you think they will find us boy?"
"Why are we following orders from a child anyway?" This was Sergeant Finally. The professor turned to him. "Because you're following orders from me.. and i'm following orders from him. see?"
The soldier was silenced.
"And what the hell is that thing?" Finally pointed his shot gun at the spikey black creature staring at him.
Munch stepped away from the ice, "Thats the little squishy thing. If you dont like it, shoot it."
Finally was silenced once again.

Above the ice, above the soil sat a small cabin. As it rained the clouds had creaked a blue coloured echo over the fields.
Standing beside the cabin were two men, dressed in metal armour, but in no way did it slow them down.
"They ran in this direction...."
They tended to finish off eachothers sentances, like you'd expect with sci fi twins.
"..which means they are inside that cabin."
And they WERE Sci fi twins.
Officers of the law, the planet Gallox. Gallox was run by a Master Gallox, a female enemy of Munch.
The officers did not have names, only titles. Officer One
and Officer Thirty two.
Waved back blue hair, like a frozen wave sat on both of their heads. Small eyes and bristles on the their faces.
In seconds Thirty two had pulled out a large gun. "Then lets go! I want blood on tommorows toast."
One stared at him, "I'm going to have... jam."
Thirty two went silent, ignoring his brother by kicking down the door of the cabin. The metal door crashed onto the floor inside bringing up a cloud of dust.
He scanned the area.
"No one here.... well apart from this 'oh so obvious' cellar."
One stepped in behind him looking over his shoulder, "Maybe they went around the back?"
"you stay here, i'll check out the cellar. We need to get that Golden Cube back."

Underground Munch was holding the glowing, golden cube in his hands. "This is more powerful than any of us could ever imagine."
Professor Bernard was sat next to him. "I realize that. But when we get it home the government will just want to use it's power as a weapon."
"And i realize that, thats why we will keep it locked up in the labs."

Suddenly there was a blinding light.
It had come from the Cube, a golden glow, that shot its way across the cove.
For one second none of them could see, it was just a blur of white. And then it faded.
James Finally spoke first, "What was that?"
"I'm.. not sure, something to do with the Golden Cube energizing?" Munch answered glaring at the gold in his hand.

"Where am i?" This was Sergeant Clam
"Where am i?" He spoke again.
Munch turned to him, "Clam? You're........"
"Where am i?"
This time it was Professor Bernard, his eyes stuck to one position.
"Oh, there's the Cube." He said staring at the glowing object.
"Oh, there's the Cube." Clam had spoken again, his pupils bounced from Munch to the Cube. And he fired.

Professor Bernard had jumped forward to grab the Cube himself, both of them wanted it, badly.
A bullet crashed into the flesh of Bernards back causing him to crash onto the ground. Munch leapt back in shock dropping the cube onto the icey ground.
In seconds Clam Walker was holding the Golden Cube, his gun hanging by his side.
"It's mine.... dont forget it is mine."
The professor mumbled a similar thing whilst dieing on the ground.

Munch stared at James Finally, "It's acting as a magnet. That glow was it creeping into the minds of the two most frightened humans in the room."
James was not speaking, he was shaking and watching Clam staring at him mumbling about the Cube being his.

"Just relax James, everything is going to be fine." Munch spoke.
"You're just a child! You can't help us, you got the professor killed...... and ... and Clam brainwashed...."
"It was the Cube James, it was the Cube."
"Which YOU assigned us to retrieve!"

Munch paused.
"We.... we had to.... the people of Gallox were going to use it to destroy Earth."
"Well thats not true at all. You're lieing to the poor boy."
There, standing next to Munch was Officer Thirty two. Before Munch could speak his neck was being crushed by the Officers hand.
"Master Gallox will be very pleased to see you Master Munch."
The little squishy thing cried for his master in pain.
James listened to Munch, he relaxed. "So........ so you control Clam now do you?"
The officer laughed. "Ha! The ways of the Golden Cube are beyond us. We just kill the zombies it creates."
There was silence, apart from the droplet of dribble that fell from Clams mouth.
"With one... the head."
Officer Thirty two fired his sci fi weapon at the forehead of Sergeant Clam Walker. The blood showered Jame's head and he shrieked.
The body collapsed, and the Cube was caught by the officer.
"Soldier." Officer Thirty two spoke straight away, no time for reflection.
It took James a few seconds to realise the officer meant him. ""
"I'm taking Munch back to the city. There's no need for you. Any last words?"
The officer was now holding Munch to the wall.
But whilst he did, Munch had pulled from his pocket a small bubble. With a quick squeeze it inflated and surrounded him seperating him from the officers hand.
It resized, he placed it into his pocket and then put his blade to Thirty two's throat.
James spoke, "Yes, whats your last words?"
The officers pupils switched to Munch's position.

And then it happened again.
The white flash of light.

It slowly faded away and Munch noticed the huge Officers body that stood before him was now gone.
"Look!" Shouted James pointing towards the bodies of the Professor and Clam. There sitting, holding the cube was a wondering, shaking Officer thirty two.

"I understand why we need to take it to safety Munch..." James finally showed some courage and held up his shotgun.
"There's no need for you, any last words?"
He fired.

Munch, with the cube safely in his backpack ran along the dark ice tunnel with James Finally by his side. "Just, dont get frightened, and we'll be safe."

The end

- The Daily Crumb

Join in the Golden Cube game on the NEW brackenwood forum.,28.0.html

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Sitcom Silence for the Silver Screen

- The Daily Crumb

And now for some OUTTAKES

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

We'd all love to meet a Blubbet

Sennheiser's stomach is ticking away in the corner. Now i can look at my watch, which is exciting for me. It has been four days without a walming tick on my wrist.

After my clock was used to replace Sennheiser's insides the only choice was to rip it out which would kill him or just go and buy a watch or new clock that was less bloody. So i decided on the one that wouldnt give me mental brain damage till i die of suicide poisoning.

6 AM Wednesday Morning 25th June 1998
That was todays date, in 1998. The day it first struck me.
I was eight and playing in the garden. And like all eight year olds, i dug.
A hole in my friends foot. A circular well of flesh through the middle of his foot, it was not the nicest of sights but i got over it fast digging even further downwards.
My friend was named "Tech" but we just called him "Tec" to annoy him. (Which included me and my other imaginary friend Lard. Lard was a friendly soal that always seemed to follow the modern fashions. When the latest hi fi system and 400 gb usb stick came out, he'd have it! He was the first person to ever have an ipod.
I heard in later years he tried to sue Apple. But no one could work out who created the ipod first. No one knew.
Until now.

I dug and dug. My feet fell through the soil and i collapsed into a pitch black tunnel (Apart from the very sunny sunlight seeping through the big hole above me.)
It was amazing for an eight year old, a tunnel! A real secret agents tunnel.
I realized suddenly that Lard was down here as well eating the tails of rats. I waved him a solo bell but he just glanced with tiny eyes and continued sipping the blood from the flesh mug he'd created out of the rat.
My bell crashed and tumbled as i had lost a friend to the evil rats below.
All around me i could feel the seeping eyes closing in on me.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" I shouted, i screamed. Why were the rats coming for me? Then i realized suddenly, these things were not rats, but Blubbet Babies.

The Blubbet Babies of the south sea and rare claustrophobic tunnels. They gather in packs to kill the enemy, children.
They looked rather like rats, but i knew different.

In seconds i stomped my big eight year old shoes at their big eight year old head crushing one instantly.
Then one landed on my shoulder, and another my head. I screamed but i could not escape. Suddenly too hands grabbed onto me and pulled me out of the dark place.
I was suddenly free and breathing what felt like air again.
I hammered a shot gun from the sky into one of the Blubbets faces but did not fire. The puppy eyes glimmered at me. What a cute little Blubbet.
"It's a rat son, stand back."
The man above me pushed me aside violently and kicked the rat over the security fence. I could no longer see it. "But.. it was different. I felt a connection."
The man couldnt watch my tears and just stoked my head. "Dinners ready son. Dinners ready."
"Yes mum." I said noticing it was my mother standing over me and not a man of honour.

So now, on the exact same date when i walked into the Village Clock Shop i remembered that dreadful time in battle, when i was eight.

You ask what reminded me of this time? A small probably eight year old boy was standing in the clock shop with his mother. I walked to the counter and asked for a watch.
The man mentioned money, i said it was fine. He sighed and grasped the watch i desired. Beside me i shot a glace at the kid. "Have you met the Blubbets? HAVE YOU?"
The mother stared over.
The boy turned. "I did mister. It was only yesterday that i was in my garden when one exploded out of the soil and said "Hello""
I was surprised. "They.. have learnt speech? I do suppose it has been a few years... What did they say?"
"Lead us to Nathan, he is loved by the Blubbets."
"I............ i am Nathan. Take me to your garden!"
The mother pulled the boy out of the shop. "Come on Nathan, me must leave now."
I called out after the boy. "Your name is Nathan? They thought you were Nathan???"
There was a flash of light and outside of the shop the boy turned into a rat-like creature. Suddenly his mum shrieked and kicked him over the security fence.

I stood depressed for days. Until the shopkeeper asked me to leave which was a few hours later. I got my watch, but i will never forget what happened with the Blubbets. If you ever meet one, dont mention my name.

I was sat back in the office a little earlier and noticed on the news a boy named Lard was shot dead after a court case by a team of Apple spys.
I changed the channel and noticed old Tech (Tec) had got himself his own cooking show in America. He was a right celebrity now, and gay.

And i am sat here in a falling apart cabin in the desert writing stories of my days. With staff made of clocks who rarely move a muscle sitting in the other room.

Oh yeah

and Today in the news

- The Daily Crumb

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Big Doctor Who Spoiler


- The Daily Crumb

Sunday, June 15, 2008

The Strongest Man in the World

Today in the news the smartest and bravest man in the world presents this video to you

- The Daily Crumb

Friday, June 13, 2008

End of a year

Today in the news four billion years into the future the news will be this


It was the very last day of a two year course today.

That means no more live action movies FOREVER
apart from Silver Screen 3.

Well i actually dont know when there would be another one, the Doctor Who episode we planned may be dumped due to time.......... not sure. we'll see.
I'll be in australia for a month, then when i get back it is animation for 3 years. Wheres the screen time?
Dont know.

These two years have been very good.

These two years have been very very good.

Apart from:
Reuben Speight
(You may know Reuben from the R in RMN COPZ and RMN: Nathan's true self)
so yeah.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Spoilers (Wall-E Exclusive Scene)

You can't open the Tardis by clicking your fingers, it dosent work like that.
But you CAN watch a full clip from the new film WALL-E

It was deleted from /Film and Youtube but they are two more sites it is on.
And it is STUNNING.
Just from these few minutes you feel for the characters, and they're metal? Whats with that.
Enjoy PIXAR's new film WALL-E
It comes out in America June 27 i believe.
Australia it comes out in September (damnit) and in the UK it come sout in July (Luckys)

Yes. Onwards is the only road to take

- The Daily Crumb

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Only a messenger

of good writing.
Today in the news i thought id embed the full two Steven Moffat episodes for countries other than the UK off of Youtube.
Silence in the Library (Please dont avoid watching it because of the Tate face)

Forest of the Dead

- The Daily Crumb

Monday, June 09, 2008

You see

Today in the news
no one actually reads the Daily Crumb you see.
It is all due to an image of the eyebrow man, "David Tennant" hosted by this blog many years ago. It seems to be on first page google search of David Tennant. Which means every single person that clicks on that image...gets blasted to The Daily Crumb.
Adding a view point to the stats.

edit: Actually after deleteing the image the link has been changed, hosted by someone else so i may get some real stats coming in the next few days which is something to not look forward too.

In other news:
Silver Screen 3 will be be out as soon as we get some more people in.
Adam Phillips will hopefully be joining in

- Crumb buckets

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Karn Enters Through Time Part 2.

TODAY IN THE NEWS Do you go to the country? It isnt very far. There are people there who will hurt you, because of who you are.

"You dont drink coffee whilst watching a TV?"
No i dont Karn, now can we get this saving the world over and done with?
"Yes certainly, but it said in the history books that you like coffee."
I think you're getting confused with Vanilla Coke.
"Hmm, maybe."
Or just coca-cola.
"Never heard of it."
What? You're never heard of just coca-cola?
"Nope, Vanilla Coke rules the world in the future. With Ribeana at its side."
Woow... quick! get this thing started!

Hello readers! I have brought my laptop along, i'm sitting now in a futuristic flying car! It sucks, not even a cd player.
"CD player? I'm sorry to be a little old fashioned but what is that?"
Mate, it is impossible for you too be 'a little old fashioned.' CD's can have games and music on them, swapped with dvd's in your time? Technology disapears very fast. It was only a year ago floppy discs were used all the time, over a night they went missing and everyone forgot about them.
"Wow! That is so odd, Floppy Discs come back! Their awesome look got old apple thinking, they've brought them back as "IF Discs." It is very exciting really! In a weeks time they are releasing a iIF Disc. "
Right, microsoft still around?
"..... dont mention that name. Hold on..."
And he started the engine. I heard a bubbling sound and the space car shot off with me buckled down inside.
"Too be continued," Karn said.
oi! It's too early Karn.
"But Crumb..... you have NO readers. This is the 8th of june 2008, there are NO readers, your only three left after reading yesterdays story."
But..... my stats, they say i have 30 a day.
"In a months time will release the information, that they were all ghost viewers. Added there to make you feel good about yourself. i am so sorry."
It's not.............. it cant be true.
"Well it is. Here we are my friend, THE FUTURE!"

And the car landed safely in a giant city, flying cars. You know, go watch doctor Who or back to the future for reference.
The only difference is...
under these high buildings sat billions apon billions of icecream vans. it was STUFFED.
What has... happened?
"I told you, once you died the whole world went down hill, journalists all started seeing dead lost ones. they couldnt live on without your writings.
I thought you said i only had three readers.
"Well you do but... after... hold on. I still remember all of this. i shouldnt remember all of this, once i save you from dieing the writing should have stopped. Are you writing now?"
Yep i am, readers. I dont see what the problem is, if you know whats going to happen then that means you've saved me right? I've lived another day.
"Well yes that is all well and good... but why is the world still icecream vans?"
Maybe it was nothing to do with me stopping writing after all.
"You're right! IT WAS BILL GATES! i must return to your time and stop him from going underground to build that brain washing machine right away!"
What about me?
"I'll drop you off on the way, its ok for you to die now. It's that good, you said you wanted to die."

So he threw me into the time car and shot me back to this very date.
He left, Sennheiser dead on the floor and just then i heard a bang outside. Most likely the Vector Gang.
Oh, here we go. Doors broken down again, how many times have i had to fix that door huh? Ruddy door.
Vector? Is that you?

aiming a gun at my forehead?
"Yes Nathan. It is."
Too be continued
"Why continue? We all know the ending. You're going to die, shot in the head .. and WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WRITING EVERYTHING I SAY DOWN?"
For... the history books.
"You killed me."
You dropped a box on yourself.
"On your property, that makes it YOUR fault!"

Suddenly Vector started to slowly walk out of the room. Then i noitced in the corner the last glimpse of the broken clock coming back together and slotting back into Sennheisers stomach. By now the Vector gang had walked backwards over the hill and far away.
And Karn was standing at the door.
"I said id bring your friend back to life didnt i. Next time you see a clock going a little bit faster than usuel ill arrive. Now ill fast forward to before i arrived shall i?"
Actually no.... I have a better idea. i said.

Cover up that clock in your stomach would you Sennheiser, people might think you're a clock.
"Yes sir."
So we have booby trapped the front door with left over rockets, vectors gang are going to be fired to the moon when they arrive.

"Stop Bill Gates! I will kill you before you turn everyone into icecream people with that machine!"
"Ok, but could you wait a bit, it seems to have frozen."

- The Daily Crumb

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Karn Enters Through Time Part 1.

Today in the, "Forget it, we need to hurry! There isnt much time!"
But.. but, i need to give the Daily news.
"Just make it up!"
What do you think i do usually?

Ok sorry, have to type fast. ill just let you know my situation. Basically this man named Karn broke into the Daily Crumb with a futuristic gun. He then saw Sennheiser and shot him in the stomach with a large lazer. It burnt a bleeding hole in his stomach and caused him to well, die. So, i was looking at the clock and noticed it was going a little bit faster.
I turned around and glared at the man.
"I'm Karn, and you my friend, are the Crumb."
Well that isnt my name exactly but hells you just killed my only employee. Why did you do that?
"Dont worry he's not dead, only stunned."
He has a giant hole through this stomach!
"Oooh yah, he's dead.. gosh thats a problem. He was a rather big part in the future."
Then why the hell did you shoot him?
"The history books say he was rather violent."
You couldnt be any further from the truth.
"Ok, we'll have to forget about stopping the year 8000 apocalypse and just concentrate on your future."
So he has not exactly explained anything and wants me to follow him. Well not until you bring back Sennheiser. Else you'll be working for me!
"Oh.... i'd be honoured sir! this is the most delightful thing i have ever been told. Even better than that txt messege i got saying "You're going to be born, be prepared.""
Would you shut up and bring him back.
"Certainly." He took the clock off of the wall and slotted it perfectly into Sennheisers stomach. "there we go!"
Sennheiser got up and stared at the bloody clock. "What happened?"
Well Karn here shot you.
"That !%@$!!~$!"&8£!/"!?!"

Hey guys, Sennheisers just gone extremely insane, he pulled a tree out of the ground and is now shoving it at Karns head.
"I knew he was violent!" Karn cried.
He's not normally! Where do you get these history books from anyway?
"They come from the original online texts of The Daily Crumb."

Huh......................................................./ guys, Sennheisers extremely insane, angry, murderous a tree shoving it Karns head \
I see...
Oh gosh, Karn just shot Sennheiser in the stomach again destroying the clock and well, killing him again. Rest in peace Sennheiser, i could never afford another clock.
"I am sorry, but he was frightening me."
And, chipping away bits of your head it looks like.
"Too be continued."
"I can't be bothered to tell you anymore."
You haven't told me anything! You just killed my friend.. .twice and then gave me a Eastenders ending.. except without a cliffhanger.
A too be continued NEEDS a cliffhanger. WHERE IS THE CLIFFHANGER?

"What is a cliffhanger?"
Oh... forget it.
"I must let you know, I'm here to save you from death, a death that occurs in a few minutes."
Agh, so you did know what a cliffhanger was. Right, see you next time readers!
"QUICKLY They're coming!"
"The history books call them, the Vector Gang."
Thats terrible! Taking a dead mans name. Let me get this straight, your history books were the Daily Crumb articles?
So, you know everything that is going to happen.
"Well, yes, but i can easily change it."
Wouldnt it be right to leave the world as it is?
"What? you wan to die?"
No, it's just if you save me you might corrupt the future or something.
"The future is corrupt, we need you to save it, do you know what it is like at the moment?"
Well obviously no.
"Evey single human being, works in an icecream van."

too be continued

RIP Sennheiser.
Welcome Karn

- The Daily Crumb

And now a nice preview of the new Silver Screen film

Friday, June 06, 2008

The Elephant and the Theme Park

Today in the news

"Can we really leave it at that?
Shut up Sennheiser! You dont have permission to speak after running off to Disneyland like you did!
"It wasnt my fault, this loss of blood is making me lose my memory. I really need a leg"
Isnt your fault.. whos the one that climbed down the falling apart mine in the first place?
"Me... but you said it would be fun, like a rollercoaster"
Rollercoasters have faults, how do you think i lost my ear?
"You have an ear."
Well they gave it back didnt they, these theme parks are busy places but their lost and found is very strong. Oh that was an incident with a waterslide.
"Who found your ear?"
Well that is an interesting story actually, you see all they said was that a man dressed as an elephant came. He said that he treasured ears and couldnt think of someone without one.
You know Sennheiser this world is full of such weird and wonderful things. You for example, you have a terrible name, a terrible past and now a terrible future. I havent had the greatest time working for a company that exports lies across the world but what ya gunna do.
"What would you rather my name?"
Dunno, Vector... that could work. Going to have to get a bigger brain for you though if you're going to take his place.
"I dont want to take anyones place. My father always said, the only place i should fill is a tiny dark cell."
I just remembered something Sennheiser. That dark creature Goobus was frightened of elephants. Maybe it was a real elephant, protecting the theme park from the dreadful Goobus.
"What can you remember?"
.... that the dark creature Goobus was frightened of elephants..
"I mean, about the day. Anything suspicious?"
Well.. now that you mention it. I did keep getting stuck in the water slide.
"No thats because you're fat"
You're fired.
You're lucky i am not one of those people that take that sort of comment seriously.
"So i am not fired?"
No, you're still fired. On your bike, use the walky talky if you die of starvation.
"Ok sir, sorry sir."

So next thing i knew old Sennheiser was contacting me with the walky talky from a bus stop.
"I am at a bus stop boss."
Good good, make your way to somewhere and dont bother me again.
I then threw the walky talky away.

So it is raining, late into the night. Once again back to my old lonely self sitting inside my office. What to do what to do, might do that thing i did ages ago. Related words. I will begin.
dead man at desk
hold on... i thought i heard something outside. one second.

OH MY GOLDEN SYRUP ITS GOOBUS, HE HAS SMASHED OPEN MY FRONT DOOR. He is standing there, dark cloak moving closer towards me only glaring. No blinks, no emotions apart from a really big smile... and... oh no.
"Hello mr Nathan. Finally i can watch you burn." He held up a match, flame on the end.
Why dont you just SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!
Worth a shot i guess. Look, what do you want from me exactly? What have i ever done to you?
"Dont you remember that day at the theme park?"
Remind me.
"So there i was, blocked about three hundred children in a swimming pool with an electric fort. Then big fat you fly out of the waterslide behind me, hit me down into the water and then land on me almost drowning me! the whole plan was ruined."
Behind my back id changed the desktop of the computer to a picture of a pink elephant. LOOK GOOBUS, LOOK!
"Nice try, its only a picture. We're in the middle of nowhere Nathan, there isnt going to be an elephant around here. "
"STOP!" Suddenly a figure appeared in the doorway. It was an elephant, standing, hands on hips. Goobus turned, his face began to turn red. Inside he screamed but outside he just shook, his insides moved upwards.
He then disapeared into a black cloud of smoke and was gone. I was breathing loudly then.
"Who was that boss?" said the elephant.
..... Sennheiser?...
"What? but i am right here."
You are the elephant?
"Why yes! You see i was talking to this nice scary man at the bus stop called Goobus. He said he wanted to kill someone but has not had the chance, he told me it was all because of something that happened at a theme park. Then i remembered!
I went to that very same theme park dressed as an elephant. I then remembered finding that ear you were talking about floating in the pool after this fat kid fell and hit the side of the wall. Well anyway i went back to the theme park, went to the lost and found, told them i was the elephant that came many years ago
and would you believe it...

You just saved me from Goobus, the only ghoul allergic to elephants.
"That was Goobus? You should have asked him if he got to Nathans house"
You gave him my address?
"W.... well he said he was an old friend..."
So in the end you didnt really save me you just brought him here then got rid of him. But then again you did save my ear.
"No that was a fat kids ear." He had the nerve to smile.
You're fired.
You're lucky i am not one of those people that take that sort of comment seriously.
"So i am not fired?"
No, you're still fired. On your bike, use the walky talky if you die of starvation.
"Ok sir, sorry sir."

- The Daily Crumb

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Vector knocks

Today in the news a bald man, no i have done that one. Sennheiser! Get the book of 'Today in the News'.
"Yes sir."
Gosh it is dusty isnt it. See the monkeys used to give me the 'Today in the News' but now they're dead i am really not sure. So what have we got here, jelly babies, have we done jelly babies Sennheiser?
"I'm not sure sir, i am new here."
Right, adam phillips, typos, tony blair, Artistic Bzap Film School' of Hoyton Finacliff, Elephant and Goobus, oh god that was when we all died. Page 7,346. Blank! What? Why is it blank Sennheiser?
"I'm not sure sir, it says notebook on the front. Do you think the monkeys made the news up as they went along?"
Those wretched little creeps! Never will i ever hire another monkey! You know Sennheiser, i have known so many people through this job. I remember when the Daily Crumb was a huge studio, blocks of humans at desks. Well that is where it all started. Then there was that case of the man attacked by magpies in a custard factory. We lost a bit of cash and staff, had to move to a small building.

Thats when most of it happened, i was working with my good friend Vector. I sure do miss that guy, we hired many monkeys to help write the daily news. We also teamed up with Tony Blair until his very end, pass the cannibal days and the film making.
Then one day, the society thought we were making the news up. Well we were, we always have been but they took it personally and came at us with pitchforks and flaming sticks. Brought down our building, killed a certain Adam Phillips who i believe was only visiting.
Justin, a young member of staff died, got pushed out of the door and into the riot crowd, heard he was eaten alive.
I soon had nothing, vector left after a death scare and the monkeys ran off somewhere. Even the police were after me.
There was a while of laying low, sitting in the sewers and eating rotten rat meat.
"Sir, the doors just gone."
"The door.. it just went."
Where did it go?
"Nowhere... someone is at the door."
Then why'd you say that it went?
"Because thats what you say when the phone or alarm go on, they've just gone."
No we dont.
"The phones just gone."
Who was it?
"See! You understood me!"
Right right... go get the door while i continue my story.
So i found a small cottage with a few rooms, set up offices and called up the crew. Old Vector and the monkeys... its... sad to think they're all dead now.
Every single one....

"He says his name is Vector."

Tell him we're not interested!
So we started making online videos until one day vector was crushed by a box... We were also sent on a journey to the antarctic just to collect the audio for Adam Phillips Waterlollies. I am not sure how that works because the last time we saw him he was dead.

So i have got Vectors ashes sat on my shelf in a jam jar after the box crushed him. The monkeys bodies remain in the wreckage of the flooded studio as well as old Happy Frowns. Happy Frown was a nice guy, didnt get mentioned much in writing but ill miss him. I'll miss all of them, just a wonderful studio, such a fantastic team.
But they all drowned by the hands of Goobus. Goobus tears flooded them , locked doors... if only there was an elephant there to scare him away. But there was not.

"Some big head, I sent him on his way. dont worry."
Big head????
big brain + expanding head = BIG BRAIN = Vector.
What did you say his name was?
"Bernard or something."
Oh... must have imagined you said Vector


you must have"

- The Daily Crumb

Memory Loss

Today in the news some regular, shot a mine goat into the sky with some fireworks.
But back to the subject:
Sennheiser is back with me now, sitting in the office counting his cuts and trying to glue his leg back on. I gave him some pretty useless glue just to pay him back. He really has got some nerve you know, getting stuck in a mine and then cheating on his wife.
Oh i forgot to mention, Halt got completely crushed by the ceiling just as Sennheiser escaped. May she rest in peace.
Who can get 'completely crushed'? I dont know, only that Halt.
So everything is pretty quiet at the moment. You may be wondering why there hasnt been much news from the outside world lately.
This is due to the fact we are in the middle of no where, Sammy the dead monkeys mobile dont work. Us as humans, are completely out of range.
"Sir..look. This glue you gave me isnt working."
Right, ok sorry. I have accidently given you mayonaise. One moment readers.

Would you look at that. He sure has got a nerve wasting all my mayonaise, what am i going to have on my dead bug dish tonight?
"I am so sorry sir, i did not realise."
You should be more careful next time. God. Look the readers dont want to 'read' about you grinding your leg back into place they want to know about the news. Have you had any luck with the mobile?
"Sorry sir, i may have dropped the mobile when you sent me on that journey to the shed. You know, to lock the door before the wolves went at it. "
Ok. Right. Well lets go outside and you retrace your steps.
"Sir... i cannot exactly walk..."
Oh, a lazy corn mantis is all you are! I'll go then. Keep in touch with the walky talky ok?
"Yes sir."

So i made my way outside, it was actually quite dark... and scary. Along the way was my shed. Small metal box, rather like a normal shed. you know, the kind that you see in peoples backyards.
Thats when i saw it, the door was unlocked. I was sure i told Sennheiser and he told me that he'd locked it. To keep the wolves out.
Then i heard the pounding fast steps of the wolves getting closer.
I ran back inside as fast as i could.
Sennheiser was now slicing a ruler through his knee. "Sorry sir, i just realised i couldnt have done that, i am missing a leg. I remember i went to Disney land instead"
Then where is the mobile??
The front door was banging, louder and louder i could hear the wolves trying to break in. Suddenly a nose broke through, teeth sparkling with blood.
And i shouted in my heroic voice. ISNT IT ABOUT TIME YOU WENT BACK TO YOUR MOTHER?
The wolves paused and backed off. Then suddenly i heard the ringtone of the mobile, it sounded like it was behind a wall somewhere.
One of the wolves started choking and spat out a liquid covered mobile phone. I smiled and picked it up. Then i gave it to Sennheiser to wipe the goo off. Where did you find this mr wolf?
"I picked it up when we were at Disney Land. Now would you give my heart back?"
It's... not a heart. It's just a mobile phone Mr. Wolf.
"No, the doctor said it replaced my heart, pushed it to the side as it were. Now you need to return it before i die."
If it was your heart wouldnt you have died alrea... oh he's dead..... oh and now the rest of the wolves are looking rather angry.
I closed the door and locked it. OH MY GOD! THE SHED. It has all my trophys in it! Damn you Sennheiser not locking the door!
"So sorry sir."
No, sorry isnt good enough you go do it RIGHT NOW MR!
"Ok ok.."
So as Sennheiser wasnt so good at walking with his one leg and nothing to hold him up one of the wolves helped him. "Whats your name poor human?"
"Sennheiser, from a family of twenty three. And yours?"
"Names Plop. Family of.. well three now but used to be four. Where are you heading?"
"I dont know.. i have sort of forgotten with all the pain. I must be going the same way as you."
"Yeah must be! We're off on a family vacation to Disney land. Of course you're totally welcome!"
"Well if you say so!... although what will Nathan say?"
"My boss."
"Well have you got a mobile to call him?"
Sennheiser looked in his pocket.

- The Daily Crumb

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

They see the light, The story of Sennheiser and his love

Today in the news imagine if making an animation was like baking a cake. Your work looks delightful when it is finished. But soon a knife slices through it, and every chunk of it is swallowed and transformed into toilet food. Instead of taking one photo of the cake you'd want to take a thousand photos of every frame.... before it was eaten away.
Also in the news:
Sennheiser called me fourth to check out an old mine close to the new studio. I walked over and took a look. It was a giant hole, a few cm in it was pitch black. So i avoided it and went off to write this.

Hold on.
Yes that was a call from a certain Matthew Menhenick (Creator of RMN COPZ ). He says he is going to have to give filming Silver Screen 3 a 'miss'. Got a bit of 'work' do to a 'home' and down 'town'.
Thats fine. Thats aaabsolutely fine. Well, not really.
Wait, thats my walky talky going. Hello, Sennheiser?
"Yes, boss i seem to have come to a halt."
Well ask him what his name is.
"No, i mean i am stuck, i have my leg twisted under an underground pole. To be honest sir i am not feeling the full thrill you said id get jumping down an old mine shaft. The wooden ceiling is cracking above my head."
Aww thats a shame. Could you stop interrupting my writing session. These people want a Daily article you know.
"The 3 people that read this?"
"Sorry sir, my eyes slipped out of their sockets and fell into the lap of viewing figures."
Well dont do it again. For that you deserve to get crushed by that wooden ceiling.
"NO SIR! I'll do anything. Please, i have a family."
Yes, a family that kicked you out of their house remember. They said if you didnt leave they'd cut your legs off.
"It was my arms actually sir..."
Oh i found an old dancing santa decoration.
"Sir please..."
It's singing jingle bells and dancing!
"Sir the wood is leaning!"
.. and look! an old lasanga packet from last year.
Oooh alright, just because you're the only staff i've got.....
"thankyou sir!"
... i'll play you your favourite record. Choose a song.
"But sir, AGHHH it felaal. .. ..."
Oasis, dont go away. What do you say to that?
"urh.. sir.. i think i just lost a leg."
Dont go awwaaaay!
"The one above my head is creaking sir!"
Why call me sir? Theres nothing formal about being stuck in a mine now is there Sennheiser?
"Sorry sir.... call my wife.. tell her i love her."
You have a wife? You didnt mention her in your amazingly long and confusing story about your life two posts back.
"Yes.... i left her a while back."
why on earth?
"Well i had to move on sir, she was holding me back."
well.. i am sorry to hear that. What was her name?
"Halt. Her name was Halt. She was a few metres back in the mine. I miss her already. But she was really keeping me back i needed to move on... and then i got my leg stuck.. it was horrible sir."


You know what, i am going to let you die... just because you said that. I mean, you were married to a female nothingness?
"No sir, she wasnt nothing, she really was something."
Oh be quiet. Hold on i am coming to you....
"THANKYOU SIR! i will be eternally greatful."
... with a box of fireworks i am going to fire down the hole.
"oh... you must not! You will kill Halt and myself!"
Thats what i plan to do.

So i made my way over to the entrance of the mine and a young women crawled out. "you must save my husband. He is trapped in there!"
sorry, are you halt?
"What.. no i am Amanda."
Amanda?? Then whos your husband?
"My sweet Sennheiser."
I thought Halt was his wife?!?!?
"WHAT? He said that? The cheating little... are those fireworks?"
..uhr.. yes... why?
"Fire them down the hole, kill the both of them!"
OK! yay!

- Reported by Nathan Viney
- The Daily Crumb

Monday, June 02, 2008

Today in the news 2

Today in the news something so new it will build a hut around you, lock the straw door and call it a 'chained up falcon'.
Also: When?

Today in the news i am going to attempt to reach back far into the hole of two thousand and... SIX
and grab as many 'rather odd 'Today in the news' as i can find. You can check out the earlier version in the 'Today in the news section'.
Lets begin.
In the news today a mammoth sized mammoth did a marathon and won a toy mammoth, the size of a giant mammoth.
In the news today people are still trying to find out, who exactly invented the chinese. This question came abouts when people started realising everything had been made in china.
The Crumb has researched into this and found that the fortune cookie was actually an American creation. This leads to the fact China was built by the US.
But the US are pretty dumb in themselves, they were invented by the British who are smelly and made of pollution.
So the end result is, Australia invented the world.

In the news today, mobile phones are said to be sucking your brain out of your ear, more on that later.
Bortle Berry Bortacus Blout Bear your Bottom so we can all shout!
In the news today Bortle Berry Bortacus Blout was arrested for public nudity.
In the news today a camera swallowed a man whole when he pressed the ‘Eat me’ button?
In the news today toilet roll is necassary when you use the loo for a number 2, people are wondering if there is such thing as a 2.5 or possibly a 3 because they think they've done it and they are surprisingly discusted and wonderous at the same time.
In the news today thousands of people have bought pens with their own names on them. People have started to complain that they cant pronounce them.
In the news today someone placed a glass of water on top of a ladder and tried to balance it whilst holding it over his head. May he rest in peace.
Today in the news four MILLION is a big number. Protesters say, "Maybe, its just TOO big."
This argument begun a few years ago, it then faded away so it was lesser known. Until a maths teacher was brutally murdered in Manchester, UK. The protesters believe it was the number four million that murdered the man. The police believe it was the protesters. The media believe it was Madeleine's mother.
Today in the news, "Warning, don't quote this."
Today in the news

Today in the news 2 wise men realized one was missing.
Today in the news chocolate is best when its bitey
Today in the news listen to the symphony of crackle.
Today in the news people sited a horse with lumps on its back. Vets are examining it now.
In the news today a puppet theatre burnt down when a puppet CAME ALIVE.. and scared his owner who held a candle.
In the news today a man with a spade saw an alien sighting. The man with a spade complained that the news team interviewing him said 'spade' when he "claimed" he was holding a shovel not a spade like he was really holding.
In the news today a man posed for a photo, he hasent been seen since.
Today in the news i man went bullet time.
In the news today Scientists at the head of the UK have classed Oxygen as an illegal drug and are beginning to get rid of it.
Just in! The Scientists are dead, along with the rest of earths population.
Today in the news America have created a Video burning day, where everyone in the country throws their videos into a town bonfire. This is saying, "We look forward to the future." (Meaning DVD's)
People are worried Video burning day wont last many years as they will have burnt all of the video's.

It has been sorted thousands more Video's are being made and sold just for this day, bringing some big companies back into buisness.
In the news today a bald man called himself a lier. More on that later.
Today in the news someone very important said "quack" in a conference.
Today in the news a tree dressed itself, it was then burnt for giving people bad luck.
Today in the news a man with a stick conducted an orchestra. The stick has been confiscated.
Today in the news a man woke up to find his face had been molded into a teapot
Today in the news

Beans beans
they make you smoke
the more you eat
the more you choke

Samurai man
on his way
hopping along
to save the day

grease monster
he loves chips
but sauce man comes
and grease man dips

Pie man comes
eating meat
little bit of ale
on his feet

Dribbling ghoul
Wet grass
dribbles on you
Get a flask

Fat bat
cant fly
his fangs
you die

Space dragon
swoops around
Satellite falls
hits the ground

Mr Figg
step outside
A train Mr Figg
We're all gonna die

Mr Figg
step outside
A plane Mr. Figg
We're all gonna die

Old woman
Mrs. Monk
Got in the pool
She just sunk

What a fool
Painted bull
All those fumes
Melts my shoe

Turn and spin
Space dragon
dosent do anything

Boar in bed
Vomit in bowl
Rotten head
A broken soul

Italian man
makes nice pasta
Bought a van
serves it faster

Italian man
makes nice pizza
lost his touch
went to master

Master was gone
Seagull dead
Man went home
put it in bread

Germ creature
leaks around
Morbid creature
Kills the ground

Skin peals off
as it roam
flesh so soft
a bit like foam

Master stabbed a cat
with a sandal
he then sat
lit a candle

Italian man on Figg's foot
"I keep dieing"
"And i cant cook."
"Well listen here you nasty three."
"You're so small you are a flee"

Samurai man
enters the room
Doors swing open
loud boom.

"I have one leg, this is why i hop."
"Oh shut up, you just stop."
"Master please help us."

Mr Figg
step outside
A space dragon
We're all gonna die

"A wounded wing on a space machine"
"Human built?"
"Why are you helping him?"
King Kong enters with an ice cream
Pie man attacks
Is this all just a dream?

Dribbling ghoul and Fat bat
All sat
Oh drat, killed the cat
"You leave now you killed my cat!"
"But master we only just sat."

Germ creature bites some beans
begins to smoke, dancing to folk
continues to choke until

Walls cave in, roof falls down
Water crashing through
Fat bat drowns

Samurai crushed
by a big rock
Germ creature suffocated
by a sock.

Master dies a heroes death
head chopped off, his final breath

Dragon crushed
by brick and stone
Italian man collapsed
just like Rome

Mr Figg rides on the painted bull
Old woman dead you know
Boar in bed
Boar is dead

Bull dies
Figg crys
Aeroplane is landing
Figgs the last one standing
Today in the news Mr. Meadowgrave the gardener found a dead body in my backyard.
Today in the news someone hidden in crops rode a mosquito aeroplane.
Today in the news a mime was arrested for finger painting.
Today in the news Tony Blair has been arrested for illegally feeding a pigeon
to a wild lion.
Today in the news a bus stop decided to take the bus itself, three people were crushed to death.

Thats all i could bothered to write. Read the Daily Crumb... in the past to find more!

- The Daily Crumb

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Sennheiser new Crumb Staff

Today in the news a man came to our office today asking for a bottle of water.
I filled the bottle with lemonade, he sat down with me around the campfire and told me of his story.
"Twas the night before Christmas my friends. My mother and father asked of me a great journey. As usuel i accepted afraid for my arms. I packed my gear, the many books and rulers. You know my friends, the typical collection of Tom Baker DVD's and recorded simpsons videos. I have seen every episode you know.
So i left my paper mache homestead and wondered across the lonely desert. This is the tale of gruesome creatures, wreckless stormtroopers and awesome forlorsomers. (Those are the people that summon the gruesome creatures and wreckless stormtroopers. They also summon gardeners but that is not important my friends."
"We understand"
But, we didnt.
Whos we?
Just me.
I didnt understand a word of it, but i let him continue.
"Well you see my friends."
"Stop.. listen. first, there is only one of me... so 'friend' not 'friends' and second. I am not even your friend, you just knocked on my door half on fire asking for a rusty mug of rain water to calm your inner demons."
"Reason is to please good sir."
"I hope so."
"But it is, and not return if it is not part of what you havent quite picked into hills of glory and strong powerless warlocks. Of dirt and pride i demand you leave this area at once."
"Ok.. i am sorry."
So i, Nathan was sent away from The Daily Crumb studios by my new friend. Sent on an amazing journey. He threatened to slice off my arms, i could not let that happen as the only skill i have is lieing to the public through writing.
So i ventured and ventured. All i could find to take with me was some old videos, Doctor Who and some fuzzy Simpsons recordings. Also... some rulers.
So i continued.
But soon i came across a flaming cottage, i heard a baby screaming. But the demons inside of me told me to just walk away, but i ignored them feeling strong and powerful.
I ran inside the cottage with an arm in front of my face.
I saved the little girl, dropping her outside of the collapsed cottage. I was now on fire and ran for miles screaming.
I came across a small broken down shed. It had written on the side, "The Daily Crumb Studios." i banged on the door violently. It opened showing a small man with a scarf around his head.
"GIVE ME A rusty mug of rain water to calm my inner demons! You see, i may have fought them to save the girl but they are fighting back. I feel i want to kill you!"
The man was shocked. "Come right in, i will pour you some water and you can tell me what happened. You go and sit by the campfire."
So i sat by the camp fire waiting for my drink. In the other room i heard nasty giggling, the man passed me the drink and i sipped.... LEMONADE.
I screamed as the demons escaped my stomach.
OMG The man is going insane. The man that knocked on my door is going insane, he is screaming about the demons escaping him...
for some reason i know what he feels like. I ran to the kitchen, filled a mug of water and poured it over the poor man.
Steamed lifted from his skin and he collapsed.
I killed him, i killed him. The Daily Crumb really does bring on bad luck... when will it be my turn?
He just poured water over me and it melted away the demons.
The man is alive!
"Why thankyou for saving my life sir, id swear you poisoned me with lemonade instead of water just now."
I'm sure he poisoned me
Tell me flaming man at the door, do you have a job.
"No i dont, and what do you make of that?" He said angrily.
I dont know..... nothing really you nut. We need some crazy staff and as you didnt die or anything what do you say to joining our staff? Whats your name?
My name is nathan.... wait a moment...... this is getting confusing. WAIT JUST A MOMENT! I WAS THE OWNER OF THIS PLACE BEFORE.
"Ooh right.. nathan. Sorry sir you took so long to return i forgot i didnt own this place entirely. Well i told my parent si owned a successful company now!"
Whats your name?
"My name is Sennheiser. Nice to meet you... again."
Get out of my building! You sent me on a 5 year journey to find nothing because you threatened to cut off my arms.
"I am so sorry.. i did not mean to intrude."

And that was the story he told me.
My head hurts.
Do you have a job Sennheiser?
"I.. no i dont."
Welcome aboard!

- The Daily Crumb