Today in the sad sad news the room ceiling light was pulled out and replaced with a disco ball. As the colourful circles lit up the room we saw the stood up body of dear Claudius Macaroni.
The first man on earth to put a full baby pig into a bottle full of alcohol and watch the pig grow up over time.
I remember going to one of his LIVE shows at BreckFEST Stadium. He said, "Why is there such thing as fiction? Do we not like the world as it is? Why do we create something that is not real when we have the world to enjoy? Everyone who writes fake articles and tells stories should really be shot for denying what nature has given us."
Later that day he was mugged, shot in the arm and hit by a motorbike. When he got home he wrote a little story about how he killed the mugger and the driver of the motorbike.
He continued his show at BreckFEST with his pig in a bottle waving to the audience. He named the pig 'Problem' and bought him his own flat.
On september 1 Claudius opened the flat door to find the bottle smashed on the floor, alcohol leaking into the carpet and the window open.
He shrieked and looked out of the window, wind on his face. He was relieved to see his baby had not fallen out of the window.
In the kitchen the fully grown pig was eating a large wooden chair angrily dribbling on the tiles. He turned to Claudius, "You know... *burp* you know i love you Daddy dont ya?" Problem said moving around the room extremely drunk.
"You're not my Problem," Claudius said, a tear in his eye.
"I is yal problem fatso!"
"I'M NOT THAT FAT!"
Claudius cut the pig in two and ate him with eggs. He then attempted to squeeze himself into a bottle of alcohol.
Claudius drowned in the bottle, but not after having a tasty bacon and egg breakfast.
Bacon & Eggs
The only way to start your day
- The Daily Crumb