Sunday, September 07, 2008

Demand, the truth about fiction

Today in the news a gardener was strangled by his gardener with a hose pipe.
The police are investigating why the incident occured. The gardener said, "I am innocent."
Due to the fact both of them are gardeners no one can be blamed at the present time. Apart from one is dead.

Also in the news as BreckFEST continues we at The Daily Crumb, meaning me. Actually, off subject: Today i was doing a morning walk, over a heard of evil cows.
... we at The Daily Crumb are celebrating BreckFEST by cooking up some lovely warm mud in mugs and broadcasting it on BBC three. (The reason for this is because we live in a hole in the desert. Our home was hit by a spaceship a few months back. No one could visit us to celebrate.)

We also await the live speech from Princess Artistic on the television. She is going to say some memorable words to the world.
There she is, everyone in the stadium bows down.
"Good morning travellers, humans and those watching illegally over the internet," She spoke. "I need to tell you some urgent news! IT IS ALL A LIE! EVERYTHING IS A LIE! QUEEN GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS LIES TO US ALL!
WE ARE ONLY FICTION. WE ARE ONLY WRITING ON A PAGE! Nathan! If you are watching this, nothing you write is real, it is all made up!"
JUST-IN (is back from his holiday) Princess Artistic was shot in the eye off screen. The camera moved to a fat man eating his belly.

Well, i hope the Nathan she was speaking too understood her messege.
Come back tommorow for some more news.

Benjamin Biscuitboy has just walked onto the stadium stage, "I'm here to offer... biscuits......... she's dead. Princess Artistic is dead..."
Princess Artistic has gotten up! "Did you forget what i taught you Benjamin my love? Everyone is fiction. We can make it up as we go along! As long as the writer, NATHAN VINEY is feeling generous. Look, i will grow a dragons tale."
Princess Artistic has just grown a DRAGONS TALE!!?!?!
Well thats not very attractive.

Nathan Viney? thats me? I'm a writer.
"Yes a writer of The Daily Crumb. I can hear you through the tv..."
"It is fiction. Nothing is real, all these terrible things you have gone through are not real! Aghh! Would you stop shooting me in the eye? Ok, Nathan, sorry about that. The writer is Nathan Viney. You are a character version of him, and we are other characters. You dont write The Daily Crumb Nathan! YOU ARE THE WRITING IN THE DAILY CRUMB! As are we! I can prove it! Just go to, dailybloog.blogtoenails."
I dont think that is a real address Princess Artistic.
"Of course it is, now type it in!"
Nope, it did not work.
"Read it back to me."
"Darn it! He has put a filter on the website! We cannot speak its name! Toenails you Nathan!"
Watch your language Princess, you're LIVE on BreckFEST tv.
"No i am not you fool. There is no one in the stadium, because they have not been mentioned in so long they have faded into a blur. Only me, you and Benjamin my love are here!"
What about Queen get your head out of the clouds?
"Oh yeah... her as well."
So wait, what do we do to escape?
"Well i read in the history books the magic word to escape the fictional world is Burpn'Starter."
Sorry, i didnt catch that. I wrote down burp....
It is toenails is it?
"OH NO IT IS THAT FILTER AGAIN! A FILTER ON LIFE! Now, you have burp. The end bit is n'Starter. OK?"
I got n' is it? nnnnnn?
"yes, toenails."
And... starter?
Am i wrong... or what?

Today in the news i was just reading a newspaper and a lizard jumped out and ate away my face! how fun filled!

- The Daily Crumb

"Benjamin Biscuitboy here! Every word Princess Artisic or Nathan says has been filtered. It is up to you to save us. All you little children say, Burpn'Starter! And we will be free from the fictional world all together!"

It wont work little Benjamin.

"The writer?"

Yes, i am Nathan. You were my favourite character Benjy, i brought you in to be a bit cute, making biscuits for all those of the kingdom with Princess Artistic. Now you have stabbed me in the back.
You forget we have no readers Benjamin, so no one is going to say those words....
why dont you try fall into a John Hutch vlog instead? They get more views.

"You monster. LET US OUT OF HERE!"

No, all of you are going to stay in there until i die of neck poisoning.

"What then?"

You'll only exist in fictional memories. These online articles... that is of course, until Blogger closes down....


So be nice.

- The Daily Crumb

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