I got a call today, walked over to the phone and picked it up.
First it was nothing less than breathing. Then it transformed into an electronic voice.
"I'm going to send over a friend of mine today at 12.00."
They hung up, i didnt catch a name.
So before 12 i sat in an arm chair glaring through the blinds. I glared at my watch, the digital numbers struck 12.
A car pulled up to the house. A man stepped out. "Nathan?"
"Here is your pizza." The man pulled out the seven boxes from the boot. "That will be $95.00"
I was confused, "What? I dont understand."
"It's good pizza. Cash, now."
"I'm sorry, i didnt order any pizza."
The man looked angry, "You did, you ordered it a half hour ago. To this address you said."
I stared around, the joker on the phone had ordered me some pizza.
The phone rang.
"Would you excuse me?" I said. I walked back into the house picking up the phone.
The electronic voice, "Pay for the pizza, or someone will become a pizza."
"Very funny joke but no thanks." I hung up.
The pizza man stood outside. "So?"
"I'm sorry, i dont want the pizza, there must have been a mistake."
"I guess ill have to take them back then... you know this might become a police matter."
"I hope not."
"Well bye." The pizza man walked back to his car and placed the boxes in the boot.
There was a shriek of engine, i thought it came from the pizza mans car but he hadnt even got in the seat yet.
Up the street soared a speeding car, the pizza man walked around his vehicle to get to the door.
CLUNK, I twitched.
Sandwiched... like pizza on the road. The pizza man was dead, and now, literally a pizza man.
The phone rang.
I didnt run to answer. I just stared at the wreck. The car that hit him had driven off.
I took the phone off the hook and put it to my ear. "Yes?"
"If you hang up you'll die."
I listened, but there was no more speech. "Ok, its your phone bill."
I let the phone hang and went to sit on my armchair, the police knocked at my door.
"Good Morning Sir, we wondered if you'd seen anything on the road this morning." Two police standing in the doorway.
Before i could speak the phone starting screaming in the electronic voice,"YES I KILLED HIM, I MURDERED HIM. PIZZA. ME. NATHAN, THE MURDERER."
I ran backwards and hung the phone up.
"What was that?" A policemen asked.
"Prank call... actually... a friend. Lives erm, across the road, must have seen you at the door and started screaming bad things on the line."
"No one lives across your road, you live in the desert." The police officer did not look convinced.
There was silence.
The tallest police officer asked the other to return to the crash scene while he questioned me. I seemed to be in trouble for not ordering a pizza today.
He pulled a gun out and put it to my forehead. "Your car, your car hit my family yesterday. I noticed it, and now you connect up with another hit and run."
I couldnt speak, i felt sadness for his loss but also wanted to escape the small space i felt stuck in. "I'm retiring tommorow, probably die in a year," the policemen said, "So it'll be fine to shoot you."
The phone rang.
"May i.....?" I asked pointing at the phone, as my eyes were on it, it exploded in a gunshot. The police officer was angry.
The mystery man on the end of the phone was a hit and run artist, and wanted to frame me. I had gone for a walk yesterday afternoon. The perfect opportunity to take my car and kill.
The other officer had heard the gunshot and ran in pulling the taller man down onto the ground. "I said it was too early to return to work!" The taller man shook in anger. "I'm so sorry sir, his family were killed in a similar accident yesterday."
I nodded, a second from death. Maybe that is what the man on the phone had hoped would kill me, the officers gunshot?
The taller officer had been arrested and placed in the back of the policecar. The other one walked back towards the door.
"I cannot say sorry enough." His mobile rang, a typical electronic tune.
He put it to his ear, "Hello? Right........... how do... well... ok i'll give it to him." He handed me the phone.
The voice said, "Duck."
I wish id heard it coming up the drive, the police lights were glowing, moving in a circular pattern. The heavy vehicles engines started and it drove forwards, right for the officer and i at the door.
The car shot up the steps, the metal front cracked into the officers back and the machine skimmed over my low head, i fell forward and the car landed loudly behind me.
It exploded into the wall of the house and ripped open the ceiling. There were sparks and water spraying into the air.
All went slowly quiet, a door closed and i heard footsteps.
A duck walked out from behind the burning car and house, it quacked. It was holding in one hand a mobile, and in the other a miniture computer.
"Duck.." I whimpered.
The duck turned to me and typed in something to the computer. From the speakers it spoke, "Maybe ugly meant the mind."
It woddled off into the night.
Well that is my Australia trip so far.
The angry officer was crushed in the back of the car by a fallen wall, and the smaller one was killed almost instantly.
So much for trying to start a new life in the sunny country.... i moved on.
-The Daily Crumb