Pub Quiz?

Today in the news calling all those on Bert's side of the table. Ok, listen carefully. Put that shotgun away! Ok, question one.
Who was it that single handedly took down the titantic?
No no, don't shout out the answers. We'll tell you them at the end. No it was not the old woman.
Question two now.

Bert stop spinning around on your stool. It's getting everywhere. Why didn't you just use the toilet like the rest of us? Dennis, is that Dennis over there? Someone tell me, someone? Yeah? Yeah ok it's Dennis. Shut up Dennis!

Right! Is that, under the hat? Whos that? What? No under the hat. The HAT! The one wearing the hat! Gertrude? What the hell kind of name is that? Oh sorry Gertrude. I did not mean to speak.. in that way. Look could you stop talking to Bert's team? I can't trust anyone that is mixing with other tables.
Oh no! Now look what you've done Eddy! It's all over Jim's bald head! I'm so sorry Jim. Say sorry Eddy. No i know i'm not your mother but just SAY SORRY. Good. Now sit down and eat your chips.
Oh Mary how did you do that?? Oh god, stupid pens leaking everywhere. Anyone got an extra pen for Mary? Oh! Wait.. yep, yep that's great. See, just over there, Bert's got one for ya.
Oh no, don't start kissing. Bert i'm going to cut your head off with the guillotine in a minute!

Sorry i did not mean that.
Oh, oh why are you leaving? Gertrude come on! Eddy? Eddy my man? Guys! I didn't mean it! Don't go! Bert! Bert!!! You paid for this you drunk saddo!
Jim? You're not going to leave me are you? Ahh...
Oh hey Dennis! Up for a game of?... oh.. you could have warned me before you went and shot yourself. What did i say about that shotgun?

*sigh*

- The Daily Crumb